Wednesday, November 21, 2012

How to Handle the Post-Thanksgiving Food Hangover: A Serious Tutorial

Most of us have been there: bloated, groaning on the couch, loosening every piece of clothing in hopes for relief from all the eating.  That extra piece of pie, while delicious, just sent you from almost too full to function into a complete descent into absolute misery (Eric, come bestow the True Death upon me!  That roll wasn't worth the pain!).

One more bite, and I'll die!
But I've got a plan for you this year.  A plan that will make you forget your thankful binge and bring you back to tip top shape for whatever you need to do for the holiday season. Just follow these simple steps starting Friday morning:

1) Dress head to toe in your nicest workout gear.  Top, bottom, running shoes.  Don't own any?  There's still time to buy overpriced anti-jiggle wear (just remember Lululemon doesn't have anything over a size 12, so you might have to settle for Tar-jay. Yes, the irony of selling workout gear to the already thin is obvious to me, but I just don't have the startup cash yet for my own idea of "Big Boobie, Belly, and Booty Unitards". I'll keep dreaming, though).  Believe me, being dressed for an active day will make you feel energized and alive.  The more expensive stuff does the best job.  Don't know why, but stuffing your thighs into $100 skin-tight pants gets the blood flowing.  Just getting into them counts as a workout.

You'll lose inches just getting dressed.
2) After you're dressed, make up a huge batch of Sangria.  It's for your heart, of course!  Not only is the wine good for your cardiac health, but the Sangria is especially healthful (there's a well-known celebrity who loves to call her recipes "healthful" while she dumps 8 lb of sausage into a pot, and I have to do everything she does) because it has FRUIT in it.  It's akin to pureeing carrots to hide in your kids' Lucky Charms cereal--disguising the health food with something more pleasurable.  Put the mixture in the fridge to cool off.

Fruit = healthful
2.5) Feel smug and accomplished.

3) Head to your local SchmarBucks and pick up a no-fat chemical-laden anti-sweetener fake coffee smoothie.  You need all the factory made stimulant help you can get today.

4) When you return home, grab a pastry.  Chocolate Croissant, Almond Croissant, Plain Croissant. Whatever you pick, it must be a croissant.  And you must pronounce to the world what you're eating, taking care to say "Cwoi-sant" rather than "crescent", adding in a nice guttural R.  (If you can't get it right, chain smoke some heavy duty ciggies to ensure a certain je ne sais quoi when you're parroting French words)  Have the entire family repeat after you: Croissant, Croissant, Croissant.  Then send the hubs and kids back into the basement so they can continue their 24 hour Christmas movie marathon on TBS.

Why the French pastry? Because French women are ultra-skinny, and they eat pastries, right?  I think perhaps they don't eat an entire half-dozen in one sitting, but I don't have definitive proof, so enjoy as many pastries as you wish.  It's for your health!

5) After breakfast, you're ready for serious research.  You only have about five weeks to start making your New Year's resolution plan, so it's time to begin screening workout tapes for your body transformation that's sure to end in complete success by the end of January.  Don't even think of actually working out, though. You're recovering from yesterday and physical activity must be carefully rationed.  List the ones that look the most fun.  Make a warning list of "DO NOT EVEN ATTEMPT" for the tapes that encourage too much fitness--I mean, you can go too far.  These lists will come in handy when by January 2nd, you're already bored by squats and would rather do "chair-based calisthenics".

6) The real workout is for after your healthful lunch of leftover gravy and Sangria.  Have your friend pick you up (since you've been drinking), and go see Skyfall. I read recently that watching a horror movie can raise your heart rate and help you burn calories without actually sweating, and I'm guessing an action flick can count, too.  Daniel Craig's chiseled abs make my heart flutter.  I bet your pants will fit better after the movie as long as you stick to calorie-free snacks such as unbuttered popcorn and fake nacho cheese.

7) When you get home, the family looks famished, so feed them leftovers from yesterday.  You're out to be "healthful", so make fruit salad with the Sangria bits and top it with whipped cream (for the protein, of course).  Man, you really sacrifice.

8) After eating, you realize it's time for some family togetherness and exercise.  Since you've already worked out (James Bond movie!), send everyone else for a walk.  Put your feet up so you can catch up on the latest People magazine.

9) When they finally return (2 hours later. Well, actually they came back 45 minutes after leaving, but you had locked all the doors and windows so you could enjoy your well-deserved quiet time, which wasn't so quiet with all their selfish screaming that you needed to come unlock the door RIGHT NOW), go ahead and put in the mail that letter you penned to the Pope making the case for your early sainthood.  Hug your family. Then go watch reruns of Honey Booboo.  High-brow TV is always a great antidote to over-exertion, and you, my friend, have had a busy day.

If you follow the steps of my plan, you won't even remember how stuffed you were on Thanksgiving evening.  

What if you're out shopping on Friday, though? How will you recover from the holiday?  While I'm usually loathe to recommend medicinal fixes, I think you'll need something stronger than Sangria if you've been out in the maelstrom of bargain shopping.  A lobotomy, perhaps?

Or maybe a sympathetic cookie would help.


  1. Starr, you crack me up!! My laugh for the day. Thanks.

  2. Girl, you're so funny! I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving!

  3. Hi Starr, I just wanted to let you know that I really like your blog and I nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award! See this post for more info:


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