How to Handle the Post-Thanksgiving Food Hangover: A Serious Tutorial

Most of us have been there: bloated, groaning on the couch, loosening every piece of clothing in hopes for relief from all the eating.  That extra piece of pie, while delicious, just sent you from almost too full to function into a complete descent into absolute misery (Eric, come bestow the True Death upon me!  That roll wasn't worth the pain!).

One more bite, and I'll die!

But I've got a plan for you this year.  A plan that will make you forget your thankful binge and bring you back to tip top shape for whatever you need to do for the holiday season. Just follow these simple steps starting Friday morning:

1) Dress head to toe in your nicest workout gear.  Top, bottom, running shoes.  Don't own any?  There's still time to buy overpriced anti-jiggle wear (just remember Lululemon doesn't have anything over a size 12, so you might have to settle for Tar-jay. Yes, the irony of selling workout gear to the already thin is obvious to me, but I just don't have the startup cash yet for my own idea of "Big Boobie, Belly, and Booty Unitards". I'll keep dreaming, though).  Believe me, being dressed for an active day will make you feel energized and alive.  The more expensive stuff does the best job.  Don't know why, but stuffing your thighs into $100 skin-tight pants gets the blood flowing.  Just getting into them counts as a workout.

You'll lose inches just getting dressed.

2) After you're dressed, make up a huge batch of Sangria.  It's for your heart, of course!  Not only is the wine good for your cardiac health, but the Sangria is especially healthful (there's a well-known celebrity who loves to call her recipes "healthful" while she dumps 8 lb of sausage into a pot, and I have to do everything she does) because it has FRUIT in it.  It's akin to pureeing carrots to hide in your kids' Lucky Charms cereal--disguising the health food with something more pleasurable.  Put the mixture in the fridge to cool off.

Fruit = healthful

2.5) Feel smug and accomplished.

3) Head to your local SchmarBucks and pick up a no-fat chemical-laden anti-sweetener fake coffee smoothie.  You need all the factory made stimulant help you can get today.

4) When you return home, grab a pastry.  Chocolate Croissant, Almond Croissant, Plain Croissant. Whatever you pick, it must be a croissant.  And you must pronounce to the world what you're eating, taking care to say "Cwoi-sant" rather than "crescent", adding in a nice guttural R.  (If you can't get it right, chain smoke some heavy duty ciggies to ensure a certain je ne sais quoi when you're parroting French words)  Have the entire family repeat after you: Croissant, Croissant, Croissant.  Then send the hubs and kids back into the basement so they can continue their 24 hour Christmas movie marathon on TBS.

Why the French pastry? Because French women are ultra-skinny, and they eat pastries, right?  I think perhaps they don't eat an entire half-dozen in one sitting, but I don't have definitive proof, so enjoy as many pastries as you wish.  It's for your health!

5) After breakfast, you're ready for serious research.  You only have about five weeks to start making your New Year's resolution plan, so it's time to begin screening workout tapes for your body transformation that's sure to end in complete success by the end of January.  Don't even think of actually working out, though. You're recovering from yesterday and physical activity must be carefully rationed.  List the ones that look the most fun.  Make a warning list of "DO NOT EVEN ATTEMPT" for the tapes that encourage too much fitness--I mean, you can go too far.  These lists will come in handy when by January 2nd, you're already bored by squats and would rather do "chair-based calisthenics".

6) The real workout is for after your healthful lunch of leftover gravy and Sangria.  Have your friend pick you up (since you've been drinking), and go see Skyfall. I read recently that watching a horror movie can raise your heart rate and help you burn calories without actually sweating, and I'm guessing an action flick can count, too.  Daniel Craig's chiseled abs make my heart flutter.  I bet your pants will fit better after the movie as long as you stick to calorie-free snacks such as unbuttered popcorn and fake nacho cheese.

7) When you get home, the family looks famished, so feed them leftovers from yesterday.  You're out to be "healthful", so make fruit salad with the Sangria bits and top it with whipped cream (for the protein, of course).  Man, you really sacrifice.

8) After eating, you realize it's time for some family togetherness and exercise.  Since you've already worked out (James Bond movie!), send everyone else for a walk.  Put your feet up so you can catch up on the latest People magazine.

9) When they finally return (2 hours later. Well, actually they came back 45 minutes after leaving, but you had locked all the doors and windows so you could enjoy your well-deserved quiet time, which wasn't so quiet with all their selfish screaming that you needed to come unlock the door RIGHT NOW), go ahead and put in the mail that letter you penned to the Pope making the case for your early sainthood.  Hug your family. Then go watch reruns of Honey Booboo.  High-brow TV is always a great antidote to over-exertion, and you, my friend, have had a busy day.

If you follow the steps of my plan, you won't even remember how stuffed you were on Thanksgiving evening.  

What if you're out shopping on Friday, though? How will you recover from the holiday?  While I'm usually loathe to recommend medicinal fixes, I think you'll need something stronger than Sangria if you've been out in the maelstrom of bargain shopping.  A lobotomy, perhaps?

Or maybe a sympathetic cookie would help.

Man, I'm Broke Monday: Holiday Libations on A Budget

The residents of The Kiefer Cottage enjoy a good party.  But because we're a one-income family, a well-lubricated holiday extravaganza can seem too frivolous and absolutely too expensive.  During the year, we don't keep loads of alcohol in the house, in part because of the cost but also because our pants are already too tight (thankfully, I did hear that muffin tops are the new black, though, so at least I'm stylish in my plumpness.  Don't correct me if I'm wrong).  However, for Thanksgiving and Christmas (and the occasional shindig), we like to kick back and enjoy a few adult beverages.

How do we do it without breaking the bank?

First off, all alcohol purchased must fall within the weekly grocery budget, so there is no extra spending.  The exception is Thanksgiving, when I go all out with food (just spent $30 on shrimp for instance), but otherwise, all extras have to still keep us under our $150 per week grocery budget.  Sometimes, that means we'll choose a cheaper dinner to make up the difference, but we're not eating beans and rice for a week so we can get wasted.  Instead, we do this for special occasions.

Found at Trader Joe's for far less than $10.

Secondly, we look for deals. While I've never seen a coupon for alcohol (perhaps they exist, but not in my state), I do see the circulars advertising specials.  For us, it's cheapest to purchase the booze at our local grocery store--we cross into Missouri to head to the Sun Fresh (in Westport).  Not only does Missouri enjoy a low tax rate for alcohol, but the state also allows for all types of adult drinks to be sold alongside groceries, so we can get it all in one trip. In Kansas, to get the hard stuff or regular beer for that matter (it's 3.2 beer at the food sto'), we'd have to go to a separate store.

Side note: don't be afraid to look in unexpected places for good prices.  My friends just told me that there's a CVS on the Missouri side of the state line that offers fantastic deals.  I plan on visiting there soon.

Cava, which is Spanish sparkling wine, for $7.99 a bottle.

Third, we're not snobs nor are we loyal to one type of drink.  We buy what's on sale unless we're talking about a few domestic varieties that shall never pass these lips again (let me make a case for Miller High Life, though. It is indeed the champagne of beers. Good stuff).  I have tried expensive champagne (excuse me, sparkling wine), and the difference in taste isn't great enough to justify spending a lot more, so never do I spend more than $10 on a bottle.  We still enjoy Cook's which can be found for about $5 at some stores.

Finally, we keep our eyes peeled for unadvertised clearance items.  For this week, we got two varieties for 60% off retail because they are about to go beyond their "fresh" dates.  I've yet to have a skunky beer when partaking in such deals.

The Apple Ale was priced at over $9, and we got it for less than $4 on clearance.

Other strategies for saving money on holiday cheer in a bottle: 

1) Consider serving a cocktail like mimosas or sangria (as opposed to something like a martini).  That'll stretch the expensive stuff.  Also, if you're mixing, you often can get by with a cheaper variety rather than the top shelf.  Anyway, this'll tone down the strength of the drinks, which can be a good thing if Uncle Darryl tends to go too far at holiday dinners, insisting that everyone join in a rousing naked rendition of The Twelve Days of Christmas (for the 8th time in one evening).

2) Buy by the case if you can because many stores offer a discount.  A liquor store near my Alma Mater would offer women an even higher discount on Wednesdays.  

3) Don't be afraid to try something new. 

4) Save the expense for a special occasion rather than partaking every night this season.

Even cheapskates can enjoy a few drinks, so hopefully you can find a place in your budget to make it happen if you so desire. 

Please don't drink and drive, though.  Have fun, but stay safe this year!

I need advice

The past week has put me in a funk.  The kids, our finances, the damn drought...they've all conspired to make me a grouch.  So Monday night, I headed to the movies all by myself, Peggy Olson style (although I was doing it more than a decade ago before Mad Men was around to inspire me).  I used to go solo all the time to the movies--it's relaxing to be quiet for awhile, soaking in a story.  Sunday mornings are best, but Monday night was pretty tame, too.  I saw The Avengers and learned a few things:

1) Chris Hemsworth is perfectly cast as a god.  Loved him in Thor, and again in this flick.  Per usual, I'm asking myself why I can't be Natalie Portman, but I think we all know I'd be the chunky sidekick anyway.

2) I am really glad I don't live in NYC or any other big target for aliens.  Kansas City wouldn't be on most aliens' radar, except for maybe the most savvy who'd realize that the bbq really is that good. Of course, perhaps I'd rather my city be destroyed by a giant fishy monster thingie than survive and be enslaved and forced to mine dilithium crystals.

3) I don't actually hate Samuel L. Jackson as much as I thought.  I almost liked him in this movie!

Random squash photo.  Pretty, isn't it?

But all of this is a completely unrelated introduction to my post for today (it's my blog, so I can do it any which way I want, right?  Preferably with orangutans named Clyde, but that's not always possible).

I would like your advice.

I know, weird coming from someone who dishes it out so easily.

I have written a non-fiction e-book.  And I have no idea how to price it.  E-books are priced so inconsistently that this is not an easy task.  I recently bought one for 99 cents to see what I'd get at that price and not only did it consist of regurgitated blog posts, but it was also not very much substance.  I've spent five times that amount for disappointing content, and I've bought $2 books that were awesome.  One e-book I read a few months ago wasn't even that great or ground-breaking, but the writer has sold a few thousand copies at almost $10 a piece!

My book: 98% of the content is completely original, never seen before by my readers, so I'm not recycling anything from the blog except for maybe a couple of anecdotes.  I had briefly considered working in some essays and testimonials from others, but decided to stick with my own writing.  The subject matter?  Generally speaking, it's about motherhood and being home with the kids, so kind of a niche market. It falls under self-help (as much as it pains me to use that phrase, it works).

It's looking to be between 125 and 150 pages, perhaps more (haven't converted it yet).  I'll offer it in as many formats as I can.  The book is still in the editing stage, but I'm hoping to wrap things up soon.  


So any advice? I've thought about offering it for free as a gift to the universe or as high as $1Million since it took a long time to write this thing. Neither of those seem appropriate, so I'm open to ideas.  Feel free to comment here or send me a private message at starr@thekiefercottage.com


PS I have not gotten any good spam or rants recently.  You guys, those brighten my day!!