Monday, April 15, 2013

What product labels *really* mean

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this very important message: product labels aren't really telling us the truth.  Certainly not Truth with a capital T. Nope, it's not even lower-cased t truth.  They are feeding us LIES, I tell you!!!

Dumber or Smarter than she looks?
The thing is, I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person--I think everyone except perhaps my brother would agree with that assessment (I'm sure he would lump me in the "stupid" category along with the Toyota Sienna and corn-on-the-cob).  I mean, I was in the top ten of my class in high school, and I graduated first from my Alma Mater**, so you'd think I wouldn't be fooled by these shady products. But I've been taken in time and again.  I buy stuff that's supposed to taste good or make me beautiful, and yet, the food isn't tasty or I'm left merely "insanely attractive".

Let me translate some labels for you.

What the product label says What the label means
Won't clog pores. You'll have pizza face within 6 days.  It will take a full month for said pizza face to clear up.
Safe for sensitive skin. Safe for the 70% of humanity who claim to have sensitive skin but do not.  Will give people with truly fragile skin full-body rashes that require immediate medical attention.
Sulfate-Free Shampoo Leaves your hair filthy and pasted to your head.
Will clear your skin of impurities and blemishes Will only clear your skin of all that junk if you also eat salmon three times a day.  Oh, and you have to look like J.Lo for it to work.
Made from sugar so it tastes like sugar Tastes like sugar that's been dipped in the pool at Oceans of Fun (which has also been "seasoned" with eau de baby diaper)
Gluten-Free It will go straight to your thighs and love handles, and your double chin will triple.
All-natural bug repellant You'll be covered in even more bites than usual if you use this product. Plus, you're guaranteed West Nile Encephalitis. Better to spray yourself with DEET, which actually works, albeit with side effects, but those are minor like itchy welts on your behind that vaguely resemble Kathy Griffin.
SPF 30 Let's get ready to burn your face off! And there's more!  You'll have pizza face within 6 days from this crap, too!

I hope you've learned something from this brief tutorial.  I know I feel like a better person already.

**This might be a bit of a stretch of the truth.  Kind of.  I happened to graduate first because I was called before everyone else in the School of Arts and Sciences since my last name is Aaron.  So perhaps I don't always speak Truth, but it takes one to know one, 'k?


  1. Awesome! I'll have to print two copies, one for the kitchen and one for the bathroom. And what-the-hell with sunscreen and pimples. Not fair.

  2. Corn on the cob is stupid?! BLASPHEMY!


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