Sunday, August 14, 2011

Driving Traffic

No, I'm not talking about traffic on I-35 (by the way, traffic in Kansas City is like a dream.  It's much slower than Atlanta, less congested than Baltimore/Washington area, and not as frightening as it is in New Orleans).

I'm talking about blog traffic.

Of course, I'm not advertising anything on my blog except my own charm, wit, and beauty, so why does it matter if only a few people a day accidentally click on my link (if they're on google, we all know they're looking for Mr. Sutherland, anyway...I bet he has a cottage)?

It's more fun, that's why!

Other blogs do give-aways to build their "memberships".  They require that you follow the blog, then post on facebook about it, tweet a little, and do the funky chicken for a chance to win whatever glorious things they've got lying around.

Perhaps that's unfair. The items aren't lying around. They've made them or convinced a sponsor to gift the item or even better, had a sponsor suggest such a gift. I'm not jealous.  Screw that, I'm insanely jealous. I want more followers. I want sponsors. I want sponsors who'll GIVE ME STUFF.

So I'm hosting a give-away.

But unlike the talented bloggers whose sites I frequent (and I mean that sincerely. I spend hours a week reading about how to distress furniture, turn soup cans into craft storage, transform that plastic step stool into a wooden library ladder--seriously, they're miracle workers), I'm gonna give away something lying around the house.

Now I just have to look for it.  Whatever "it" is.

Wait! I actually need to compose my give-away rules first.

1) You must be a follower of The Kiefer Cottage. Do it.

2) Leave a comment.  For every comment, you get two reward points.  When you reach 5000 points, you can redeem them for a 1% cash-back reward.  D'oh! That won't work. That's for credit cards.  Perhaps for every comment, you get one entry.  Seems fair.

3) Post a video of yourself dancing.  That'll equal one entry.  You'll get 1000 entries if you dress up like Jennifer Beals dancing to "Maniac" in Flashdance. {Mer, I'm talking to you, FYI}

4) Send me a notarized letter certifying that I am the best accordion player you've ever heard and that I should be featured on Star Search.  If you do that, not only do you bypass all the other rules, but you win.  You win whatever I choose to give away as well as my undying love, and that's worth at least 50 cents of street cred. Word. 
{They don't make Star Search anymore? $#%$$%%!  Okay, I'll settle for a Colonial Penn commercial.  Huh? Ol' Ed is off in ClearingHouse heaven?  Pooey. No wonder my fan mail keeps getting returned.}

Hmmm...looking at these rules, I'm not sure if anyone will enter. So I think I'll go look for stuff to give away instead.

An 80% eaten container of Whole Cashews.  Retail value?  $4.  Still has the lid.

I'm thinking food items should still be sealed.  Moving on.

Barely used Medela PISA breastpump.  Barely used as in used for four different babies.  All users were related, so that makes it clean.

Unfortunately for you, it's not mine to give away. Plus, I'm not finished with it.

A HUGE basket of clean rags!  Can be used in all situations!  Save the Earth and stop using paper towels!

Again, I still use these.  I'll miss them too much to give them to you.

No-spill bubbles.

Katie Bel has vetoed this idea.

OH! I know...

Irritated child.  Perfect.

{Wait, what's that you say?  I can't give away my child on the interwebs?  What if I say she's really good at cooking?  And she can climb onto the kitchen counters to retrieve Fudge Stripe cookies?  Plus, she's still not potty-trained!  Who wouldn't want such a child??....Okay, I'll keep her...She just told me she loved me, too, and I can't live without that grouch.  We're too much alike, except that I don't poop my pants.}

So it looks like I haven't quite thought this through.  Just so you know, that's very rare for me.  I'm never impulsive. Anyway, you'll have to wait on my give-away.  Soon enough, though, I'll have perfected my rules and found something you'll be rioting over.  The Internet police will be forced to shut down my site temporarily because there will be so much traffic.

If you can, wait patiently.  In the meantime, send me your dancing videos.


  1. I'd like to win a chance to see you play the accordion- that would be awesome.

  2. All I have to say is a big THANK YOU for the great laugh this morning! I almost got out my video camera to do the flash dance thing when I realized that it was probably a joke. *Probably*. (c: I'm pretty sure I contemplate giving away both my children on a daily basis, and what do you know! My little girl isn't potty trained either, so sounds like we've got stuff in poop...hopefully we will find something else! Glad you dropped by so I could find the place!

  3. You seriously crack me up! I'm featuring you on my blog later this week!!!


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